McCloud

I see that Kevin McCloud has a new run of the house building programme thang he does. (Incidentally, are we absolutely sure he isn’t the chap who galloped around on a horse wearing a stetson, shooting criminals?)

Anyhoo, I expect the programme will follow the same formula as before. Melvin Smyth-Piquant, an architect/archipelago/artichoke , and his wife Philomena Cackington-Chewit (who bakes willow-infused cakes in an artisanal oven made from goat dung and guano), will set a budget of £800k to build a football-stadium rivalling house for them and their child Jute (who shows amazing insight in crypto-currency trading at the tender age of 3, despite having ADHD and a runny nose).

They’ve planned for this to take 8 months, be made entirely of recycled cycles and the home-owning dreams of the working class, and have building-spanning glass doors that fold flat to the floor, necessitating ramps to rise from beneath to traverse. They've enlisted Javier Clearasil, the Bahamas-based designer and tie-dye juggler, and Tumble Pete, a local builder. The project manager will be Philomena, as she has little to do beside baking, TikTokking and pursing her new lips.

3 years later, Philomena has had 2 more children (Chimera and Shiver), and the family are still living in Melvin’s father’s game keeper’s cottage. They are struggling to live in the 5 bedroomed residence, and recycled cardboard boxes (full of Harrods preserves) litter the cardboard box room. They have spent £2.2 million, but the single wall as a result of the investment looks stunning, cemented with pulped chicken feet gathered from their father’s chain of abattoirs.

Will they finish it? Yes. Will they go over budget? Yes. Will we care? Possibly not.